The diminishing role of extended families in the lives of American children is a significant factor contributing to the ongoing crisis in child and adolescent mental health, a challenge prominently highlighted by the U.S. Surgeon General. This assertion comes from Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., a distinguished Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, who posits that human evolutionary patterns did not prepare societies for the current level of limited extended family and community support experienced by most American parents. Dr. Barish, also a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, emphasizes the timeless necessity of grandparents in a child’s development, arguing that their presence is more crucial now than ever.
A Crisis Unfolding: The Surgeon General’s Advisory
The mental health of young people in the United States has reached a critical juncture, prompting the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, to issue a rare Public Health Advisory in December 2021. Titled "Protecting Youth Mental Health," the advisory described the situation as a "devastating" crisis exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic, but rooted in trends predating it. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) supports this alarming declaration, revealing a significant increase in mental health challenges among youth. Between 2009 and 2019, the proportion of high school students reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40%, with suicide rates among youth aged 10–24 increasing by 57% from 2007 to 2018. The advisory called for a whole-of-society effort to address these challenges, including strengthening family and community connections. Dr. Barish’s work directly aligns with and expands upon this urgent call, providing a detailed psychological framework for one critical aspect of the solution: leveraging the power of intergenerational relationships.
The Evolving American Family Landscape
For millennia, human societies relied on extended family networks—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins—to share the responsibilities and joys of raising children. These multi-generational households or closely-knit communities provided a robust support system, offering practical aid, emotional buffering, and a rich tapestry of social learning. However, the last century, particularly in Western industrialized nations like the U.S., has witnessed a profound shift. Economic pressures, increased geographical mobility, urbanization, and a cultural emphasis on nuclear families and individual autonomy have gradually eroded these traditional structures. Data from the Pew Research Center indicates a decline in multi-generational households for much of the 20th century, though there has been a modest rebound since 1980, often driven by economic necessity rather than the communal childcare model Dr. Barish advocates. Still, many parents today find themselves isolated, geographically distant from their own parents or siblings, bearing the brunt of child-rearing responsibilities with minimal daily support. This isolation, Dr. Barish contends, creates a significant deficit in the emotional and practical resources essential for healthy child development.
Grandparents as Cornerstones: Dr. Barish’s Thesis
In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting: Raising Emotionally Healthy Children in a Challenging World, Dr. Barish synthesizes four decades of clinical experience with cutting-edge findings from neuroscience, child development studies, and educational psychology. The book serves as a compelling argument for the indispensable role grandparents can play in navigating the complex challenges of contemporary parenting. He illustrates how their involvement extends beyond mere babysitting or financial assistance, offering a unique blend of historical perspective, unconditional love, and practical wisdom that can profoundly benefit children’s well-being and alleviate parental stress. His work, published recently by Routledge, is a testament to the enduring power of intergenerational bonds in an increasingly fragmented world.
Beyond Achievement: Cultivating Purpose and Prosocial Values
A core tenet of Dr. Barish’s argument is that grandparents can help counteract a pervasive cultural trend in America: the increasing emphasis on individual achievement at the expense of community and connection. He observes, "Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We. In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children." This cultural shift has tangible consequences. Research consistently links intense achievement pressure, particularly in affluent communities, to elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse among adolescents. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, for instance, found that youth in high-achieving schools reported higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to national norms. Dr. Barish argues that children require a stronger sense of purpose that transcends personal accolades and materialistic success.
He states, "Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress." Instead, he advocates for fostering a sense of purpose rooted in contributing to something larger than oneself. "Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives," he explains. Grandparents, with their often less hurried pace and broader life perspective, are uniquely positioned to model and instill these values. They can share stories of community involvement, engage children in charitable activities, and simply emphasize the importance of empathy and collective well-being over individualistic pursuits.
The Science of Altruism: Benefits of Helping Others
The psychological and physiological benefits of prosocial behavior are well-documented. Psychologist Jane Piliavin’s extensive review of evidence highlights a strong correlation between helping others and a range of positive outcomes. These include higher self-esteem, reduced rates of depression, lower school dropout rates, enhanced immune function, and even an increased life expectancy. Beyond Piliavin’s work, neuroscientific studies using fMRI have shown that engaging in altruistic acts activates reward centers in the brain, releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which foster feelings of pleasure and connection. For children, early exposure to and participation in acts of kindness can lay the groundwork for a more resilient and compassionate personality.
To cultivate these benefits, Dr. Barish recommends that families engage in volunteering together, making it a regular part of their lives. Furthermore, he stresses the importance of ongoing conversations with children, beginning at a young age, about kindness, empathy, and understanding the feelings and needs of others. These discussions, he contends, are not secondary but fundamental to a child’s emotional development. "These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more," he asserts, underscoring their profound impact on a child’s internal compass and overall well-being.
Emotional Immunization: The Grandparental Role in Resilience
Dr. Barish describes the unique emotional support grandparents offer as "molecules of emotional health." These are subtle yet potent moments of encouragement, undivided attention, and genuine understanding that fortify a child’s "emotional immune system." In an age where children face myriad stressors—academic pressure, social media anxieties, and an often-overwhelmed parental generation—grandparents can provide a crucial emotional buffer.
"A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood," Dr. Barish explains. He elaborates on this profound need: "More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever." This consistent, reassuring presence fosters a secure attachment, which is foundational for emotional resilience. Grandparents often have the time and perspective to simply be present, to engage in meaningful play, to show genuine enthusiasm for a child’s nascent interests and goals, and to offer a safe space for emotional expression without judgment. These interactions build self-esteem, strengthen familial bonds, and equip children with vital coping mechanisms.
The Peril of Criticism: Fostering Growth, Not Resentment
One of the most pervasive, yet often underestimated, parenting challenges Dr. Barish observes in his clinical practice is not an excess of praise, but rather an overabundance of criticism. Well-intentioned family members frequently underestimate the corrosive effects of frequent negative feedback. "The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism," he unequivocally states.
The detrimental impact of constant criticism extends far beyond immediate emotional distress. Dr. Barish warns, "Criticism does not motivate children to work harder. Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort." This perspective is strongly supported by decades of psychological research on motivation and self-efficacy. When children are consistently criticized, they internalize a sense of inadequacy, become risk-averse, and may develop a fixed mindset where they believe their abilities are unchangeable. This stands in stark contrast to the "growth mindset" theory popularized by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, which posits that individuals who believe their abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work are more resilient, persistent, and ultimately more successful.
Dr. Barish, drawing on Dweck’s work, emphasizes that not all praise is equally beneficial. To foster a growth mindset, adults should direct praise toward effort, learning, and strategies rather than inherent intelligence or talent. "Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades," he advises. This approach teaches children that their efforts are valued, their brains can grow, and setbacks are opportunities for learning, thereby building genuine confidence and a love for challenges. Grandparents, often less entangled in the daily disciplinary struggles, can be powerful allies in this by offering encouragement focused on process and perseverance.
Building Bridges: Communication and Collaborative Problem-Solving
Raising children inevitably involves navigating challenging behaviors. In his book, Dr. Barish outlines 21 principles for encouraging cooperation, grounded in both rigorous scientific research and his extensive clinical experience. Among his key recommendations is involving children in collaborative problem-solving. This approach empowers children by giving them a voice in finding solutions, fostering a sense of responsibility and ownership over their actions. Rather than imposing punishments, which often elicit only temporary compliance and resentment, Dr. Barish advocates for giving children opportunities to "reset." This involves helping them understand the impact of their actions, discuss alternative behaviors, and make amends, thereby teaching self-regulation and empathy. This constructive dialogue is particularly effective when parents and grandparents present a united front, reinforcing the message of understanding and growth.
Ultimately, Dr. Barish contends that true success in helping children thrive is less about imparting specific skills and more about nurturing fundamental emotional strengths, unwavering confidence, and meaningful relationships. He eloquently summarizes this philosophy: "Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride. Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose." This holistic view underscores the profound, often understated, role of grandparents as vital architects of a child’s emotional landscape.
Policy and Practice: Addressing the Broader Implications
The insights offered by Dr. Barish carry significant implications not only for individual families but also for broader societal structures and public policy. Recognizing the critical role of extended family, particularly grandparents, in buffering the youth mental health crisis could inform various initiatives. Public health campaigns could emphasize the benefits of multi-generational engagement, encouraging families to bridge geographical and emotional distances. Community programs could facilitate intergenerational activities, fostering connections between seniors and youth. Educational institutions could integrate lessons on empathy and prosocial behavior, aligning with Dr. Barish’s emphasis on purpose beyond individual achievement.
Moreover, workplace policies, such as flexible work arrangements or parental leave, could be re-evaluated to better support parents in maintaining these crucial family connections. While direct government mandates on family structure are unrealistic, policies that ease the burden on nuclear families—like affordable childcare, elder care support, and housing initiatives that encourage multi-generational living—could indirectly bolster the very extended family networks Dr. Barish champions. Organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological Association have increasingly highlighted the social determinants of health, which inherently include robust family and community support systems. Dr. Barish’s work provides a compelling, evidence-based argument for prioritizing and actively cultivating these invaluable intergenerational bonds as a cornerstone of national child mental health strategy.
Charting a New Course for Child Well-being
In an era defined by rapid change and increasing pressure on young people, Dr. Kenneth Barish’s analysis offers a timely and profound re-evaluation of what truly contributes to a child’s well-being. By shining a light on the often-overlooked yet critical role of extended family, especially grandparents, he provides a roadmap for strengthening the emotional foundations of the next generation. His call to shift focus from hyper-individualistic achievement to a broader sense of purpose, coupled with his practical advice on constructive communication and the dangers of excessive criticism, presents a powerful framework for parents and grandparents alike. Re-embracing the wisdom of intergenerational support is not merely a nostalgic ideal but a vital, scientifically supported strategy to navigate the complexities of modern childhood and build a more resilient, empathetic, and purposeful society. The crisis in youth mental health demands comprehensive solutions, and Dr. Barish eloquently argues that looking back to the foundational strengths of family, particularly the unique contributions of grandparents, offers a powerful way forward.
