Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, posits that the erosion of extended family involvement is a significant contributing factor to the ongoing crisis in child and adolescent mental health, a concern previously highlighted by the U.S. Surgeon General. Dr. Barish, a distinguished Fellow of the American Psychological Association, emphasizes that human beings are not biologically or socially predisposed to raise children with the limited extended family and community support that has become commonplace for many American parents today. He asserts, with the weight of both clinical experience and evolutionary psychology, that "Children need grandparents, and they always have." This perspective, detailed in his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting: Raising Emotionally Healthy Children in a Challenging World, draws upon four decades of clinical practice, alongside insights from neuroscience, child development research, and educational psychology, to advocate for the crucial, yet often overlooked, role grandparents can play in navigating contemporary parenting challenges and fostering robust mental well-being in children.
The Alarming Landscape of Youth Mental Health
The United States Surgeon General’s Advisory, issued in December 2021 by Dr. Vivek Murthy, unequivocally declared a national crisis in youth mental health, describing it as "the defining public health crisis of our time." The advisory detailed escalating rates of mental health challenges among young people, exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic but evident long before its onset. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reveals that from 2009 to 2019, the proportion of high school students experiencing persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40%, with suicide attempts rising by 36% among this demographic. Emergency room visits for mental health conditions also saw significant increases, particularly among adolescent girls. This crisis manifests as elevated rates of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and substance abuse, profoundly impacting children’s development, academic performance, and social relationships. The Surgeon General’s report underscored the multifaceted nature of the crisis, citing factors such as social media pressures, academic stress, climate change anxiety, and economic disparities, but Dr. Barish’s work introduces a vital, often understated, dimension: the diminishing presence of the extended family unit.
The Evolution of the American Family Structure
Historically, extended family networks were the norm in many cultures, including early American society. Multi-generational households and close-knit communities provided a natural support system for raising children, sharing childcare responsibilities, transmitting cultural values, and offering emotional resilience. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were integral to a child’s daily life, contributing to a sense of belonging and collective responsibility. However, the 20th century witnessed a significant shift, particularly after World War II, towards the nuclear family model, often driven by increased mobility for economic opportunities, urbanization, and changing societal values emphasizing independence.
Today, data from the Pew Research Center indicates that while multi-generational households have seen a slight resurgence in recent decades—often due to economic pressures or demographic shifts—they remain less common than in previous eras. Moreover, even when families are not geographically dispersed, the intensity and frequency of extended family involvement have often decreased due to busy schedules, differing lifestyles, and the pressures of modern life. This leaves many parents feeling isolated and overwhelmed, lacking the intrinsic support network that was once a societal default. Dr. Barish argues that this modern isolation is fundamentally at odds with human evolutionary psychology, where collective child-rearing was a cornerstone of survival and thriving. The absence of this ‘village’ not only strains parents but deprives children of crucial emotional scaffolding.
Grandparents as Architects of Emotional Health
Dr. Barish asserts that grandparents offer far more than just practical assistance, such as babysitting or financial aid. They provide what he eloquently terms ‘molecules of emotional health’ – small, consistent, yet profoundly meaningful moments of encouragement, undivided attention, and genuine understanding. These interactions, he explains, are vital for strengthening a child’s ’emotional immune system,’ equipping them with the inner resources to navigate life’s inevitable challenges.
Research consistently highlights the benefits of strong intergenerational bonds. Studies published in journals like Child Development and The Gerontologist show that children with involved grandparents tend to exhibit higher levels of pro-social behavior, greater emotional stability, better academic performance, and fewer behavioral problems. For grandparents, too, active involvement in their grandchildren’s lives is linked to improved physical health, reduced rates of depression, and a stronger sense of purpose. This reciprocal benefit underscores the natural synergy of these relationships.
A child’s confident expectation that there is at least one adult who will consistently listen without judgment and offer understanding is a powerful protective factor against the myriad "emotional pathogens" they encounter throughout childhood and adolescence. Dr. Barish elaborates: "More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever." Grandparents, often possessing more patience and less direct disciplinary responsibility than parents, are uniquely positioned to fulfill this role. They can provide a safe harbor for children to express fears, explore ideas, and simply be themselves, fostering a sense of unconditional acceptance that builds profound emotional security. Furthermore, Dr. Barish emphasizes the importance of shared enjoyment, play, and showing genuine enthusiasm for children’s interests and goals, which further bolsters emotional resilience and strengthens familial bonds.
Beyond Individual Achievement: Cultivating Purpose
A significant cultural trend identified by Dr. Barish, contributing to the youth mental health crisis, is the increasing emphasis on individual achievement over community and connection. He observes, "Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We. In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children." This hyper-focus on personal success – manifest in academic pressure, competitive sports, and the pursuit of external validation – can paradoxically undermine genuine well-being.
Research from institutions like the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine has linked intense achievement pressure, particularly in affluent communities, to elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and even substance abuse among adolescents. Dr. Barish argues that children require a deeper sense of purpose that extends beyond individual accomplishments. He states, "Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress." Instead, he advocates for fostering altruism and a sense of contributing to something larger than oneself. "Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives."
The benefits of prosocial behavior are well-documented. Psychologist Jane Piliavin’s extensive review of evidence found that helping others is significantly associated with higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression, reduced school dropout rates, improved immune function, and even an increased life expectancy. These findings underscore the profound psychological and physiological advantages of nurturing a sense of communal responsibility. To encourage these benefits, Dr. Barish recommends that families engage in volunteering together and regularly initiate conversations with children, even from a young age, about kindness, empathy, and understanding the feelings and needs of others. He asserts, "These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more." Grandparents, with their wealth of life experience and often a more relaxed approach to child-rearing, can be instrumental in modeling and encouraging these values, sharing stories of service, and engaging grandchildren in community-focused activities.
The Hidden Harm of Excessive Criticism
One of the most prevalent and often underestimated parenting challenges Dr. Barish observes in his clinical practice is not an excess of praise, but rather an overabundance of criticism. Well-intentioned family members frequently underestimate the corrosive impact of frequent negative feedback on a child’s developing psyche. "The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism," Dr. Barish states unequivocally. He explains that far from motivating children to strive harder, frequent criticism tends to breed resentment, foster defiance, and ultimately undermine a child’s initiative and effort. It can instill a fear of failure, stifle creativity, and damage self-esteem, leading to withdrawal or oppositional behavior rather than genuine improvement.
Conversely, Dr. Barish notes that not all praise is equally beneficial. Drawing on Carol Dweck’s influential concept of a "growth mindset," he encourages adults to direct praise towards effort, learning, and perseverance rather than innate ability or intelligence. Praising intelligence, for example, can inadvertently lead children to believe their abilities are fixed, making them hesitant to tackle challenging tasks for fear of appearing less intelligent. Praising effort, however, teaches children that their capabilities can grow through hard work and dedication. "Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades," he advises. Grandparents, often viewed as less authoritative and more unconditionally loving, can be particularly effective in offering this kind of supportive, growth-oriented feedback, reinforcing a child’s sense of competence and resilience without adding undue pressure.
Building Confidence Through Conversation and Collaboration
Raising children inevitably involves navigating difficult behaviors and fostering cooperation. In his book, Dr. Barish outlines 21 principles designed to encourage collaboration, derived from both scientific research and decades of clinical experience. Central among his recommendations is involving children in collaborative problem-solving, which empowers them to take ownership of solutions and develops critical thinking skills. He also advocates for giving children opportunities to "reset" after challenging moments, an approach he believes is more effective and constructive than traditional punitive measures. This involves helping children understand the impact of their actions and guiding them toward making amends or finding better ways to respond in the future, fostering intrinsic motivation rather than compliance born of fear.
Ultimately, Dr. Barish argues that helping children thrive is less about imparting specific skills and more about cultivating emotional strength, building robust confidence, and nurturing meaningful relationships. He eloquently summarizes this philosophy: "Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride. Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose."
Broader Implications and Policy Considerations
Dr. Barish’s insights carry significant implications beyond individual family units. The systemic decline in extended family involvement and community support suggests a need for broader societal re-evaluation and potential policy interventions. Public health initiatives could focus on promoting intergenerational programs, supporting community centers that facilitate family connections, and even exploring urban planning strategies that encourage multi-generational living or closer community ties. Employers might consider family-friendly policies that allow for greater flexibility, enabling parents to foster these crucial relationships without undue professional penalty. Educational systems could integrate curricula that emphasize social-emotional learning, empathy, and community service, aligning with Dr. Barish’s call for purpose beyond individual achievement.
The ongoing youth mental health crisis is a complex challenge, but Dr. Barish’s work offers a clear, actionable pathway forward by redirecting attention to foundational human needs: connection, purpose, and unconditional support. By recognizing and actively fostering the invaluable contributions of grandparents and extended family, society can begin to rebuild the essential scaffolding necessary for children to not just survive, but truly flourish in a challenging world. The investment in these relationships is not merely a familial preference but a critical public health imperative.
