Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., a distinguished Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, posits that the discernible decline in extended family involvement has played a significant role in exacerbating what the U.S. Surgeon General has unequivocally identified as a protracted crisis in child and adolescent mental health. His profound insights, drawn from decades of clinical practice and extensive research, underscore a fundamental mismatch between contemporary societal structures and humanity’s evolutionary blueprint for child-rearing.
"We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now," states Dr. Barish, a recognized Fellow of the American Psychological Association. His assertion highlights a critical departure from historical and anthropological norms, where child-rearing was inherently a collective endeavor. "Children need grandparents, and they always have." This seemingly simple statement carries immense weight, suggesting that the absence of these vital figures creates a void that modern nuclear families are ill-equipped to fill alone.
In his recently published book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting: Raising Emotionally Healthy Children in a Challenging World, Dr. Barish synthesizes over 40 years of clinical experience with cutting-edge findings from neuroscience, child development studies, and innovative educational programs. Through this comprehensive lens, he constructs a compelling argument for the irreplaceable and meaningful role grandparents can — and should — play in empowering families to navigate the increasingly complex landscape of contemporary parenting challenges. His work arrives at a crucial juncture, as societies grapple with the escalating rates of mental health issues among young people, prompting a re-evaluation of foundational family and community structures.
The Erosion of Extended Family and Community Support: A Historical Context
The phenomenon Dr. Barish addresses is not sudden but rather the culmination of several decades of profound socio-economic and cultural shifts. Historically, multi-generational households were the norm across many cultures, including in the United States, particularly before the mid-20th century. Grandparents often lived with or in close proximity to their children and grandchildren, providing an inherent support system that encompassed childcare, emotional scaffolding, and the transmission of cultural values and practical wisdom.
However, post-World War II economic booms, increased urbanization, greater geographical mobility for employment opportunities, and evolving social norms favoring smaller, nuclear family units gradually eroded this traditional structure. The rise of suburbia, coupled with an emphasis on individual autonomy and independence, often meant families lived farther apart, diminishing the frequency and depth of intergenerational interaction. Economic pressures, such as the necessity for both parents to work, further exacerbated the isolation of nuclear families, leaving many parents feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.
This societal evolution has left a significant void, directly impacting child development. Children in these isolated nuclear families often lack exposure to diverse adult perspectives, multiple attachment figures, and the inherent resilience that comes from a broader support network. The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2021 Advisory, "Protecting Youth Mental Health," painted a stark picture, declaring a "youth mental health crisis." The advisory reported that prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly one in three high school students reported persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, a 40% increase since 2009. Emergency room visits for mental health issues also surged. Dr. Barish’s analysis provides a crucial, often overlooked, piece of the puzzle: the breakdown of natural support systems.
From "We" to "I": The Cultural Shift and its Mental Health Impact
Dr. Barish contends that grandparents are uniquely positioned to counteract a pervasive cultural trend that has increasingly prioritized individual achievement and self-focus over the communal values of connection and collective well-being. "Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We," he explains. "In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children."
This cultural shift manifests in various ways, from intense academic pressure starting at increasingly younger ages to the pervasive influence of social media, which often fosters competition and comparison rather than genuine connection. The relentless pursuit of individual accolades—be it top grades, elite university admissions, or competitive sports achievements—can create an environment of chronic stress and anxiety for children and adolescents. Research consistently links intense achievement pressure to elevated rates of anxiety, depression, and even substance abuse, particularly in affluent communities where such pressures are often most pronounced. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, for example, found that adolescents in high-achieving schools experienced higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse compared to national norms.
Dr. Barish argues compellingly that children require a stronger, more resilient sense of purpose, one that transcends mere personal accomplishments. "Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress," he writes. The fleeting satisfaction of an individual triumph often fails to provide lasting fulfillment or a robust sense of identity. Instead, he advocates for an orientation towards others: "Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives."
This perspective is robustly supported by empirical evidence. Psychologist Jane Piliavin’s extensive review of research on prosocial behavior and altruism demonstrates a clear correlation between helping others and a range of positive outcomes. These include higher self-esteem, significantly lower rates of depression, reduced school dropout rates, improved immune function, and even an increased life expectancy. The act of contributing to the well-being of others provides a sense of meaning, competence, and belonging that individual achievement often cannot replicate.
To cultivate these invaluable benefits, Dr. Barish champions active family engagement in volunteering and consistent, age-appropriate conversations with children about kindness, empathy, and understanding the feelings and needs of others. These dialogues, he stresses, are not supplemental but fundamental. "These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more." They instill a moral compass and foster an intrinsic motivation rooted in connection and contribution, vital antidotes to the isolating pressures of an "I" society.
Grandparents: Providers of "Molecules of Emotional Health"
Beyond practical support, Dr. Barish elucidates that grandparents offer an invaluable, yet often underestimated, form of emotional nourishment. He poetically describes their contribution as providing "molecules of emotional health" – subtle yet profoundly meaningful moments of encouragement, undivided attention, and genuine understanding. These interactions are not merely pleasant; they are crucial building blocks that fortify children’s "emotional immune systems."
In a world that can often feel indifferent or overwhelming to a child, the consistent, loving presence of a grandparent provides a vital anchor. "A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood," Dr. Barish explains. These "emotional pathogens" can range from schoolyard disagreements and academic struggles to more profound anxieties and identity challenges. Having a reliable confidant, distinct from their primary caregivers, offers a unique space for children to process their experiences.
"More than anything else, children need someone in their life who listens, who helps them feel less alone, and who teaches them that problems can be solved, relationships can be repaired, and bad feelings do not last forever," he elaborates. Grandparents, often possessing a greater sense of patience and perspective shaped by their own life experiences, can model resilience and problem-solving in a calm, reassuring manner. They can serve as living proof that adversity is temporary and that emotional challenges are surmountable, thereby equipping children with critical coping mechanisms.
Furthermore, Dr. Barish underscores the profound importance of play, shared enjoyment, and the demonstration of genuine enthusiasm for children’s interests and goals. These positive, unpressured interactions are fertile ground for building emotional resilience. When a grandparent genuinely engages with a child’s hobby, listens intently to their stories, or simply shares a laugh, it communicates unconditional acceptance and value. These moments reinforce a child’s sense of self-worth and belonging, strengthening family relationships and fostering a secure base from which children can explore the world.
The Hidden Harm of Excessive Criticism and the Power of a Growth Mindset
One of the most pervasive and often underestimated parenting challenges Dr. Barish identifies in his extensive clinical work is not, as many might assume, an excess of praise, but rather an overabundance of criticism. Well-intentioned family members, he notes, frequently underestimate the corrosive effects of frequent negative feedback on a child’s developing psyche.
"The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism," Dr. Barish states unequivocally. This observation challenges conventional wisdom that often equates criticism with motivation. In reality, he argues, the opposite is true: "Criticism does not motivate children to work harder. Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort." Children subjected to constant critique often internalize a sense of inadequacy, become fearful of making mistakes, and may withdraw from challenging tasks to avoid further disapproval. Their intrinsic motivation is replaced by a desire to avoid punishment or criticism, leading to superficial engagement rather than genuine learning and growth.
At the same time, Dr. Barish is quick to clarify that not all praise is equally beneficial. Drawing upon psychologist Carol Dweck’s groundbreaking concept of a "growth mindset," he strongly encourages adults to shift their focus from praising innate abilities (e.g., "You’re so smart," "You’re so talented") to commending effort, strategy, and the learning process itself.
Dweck’s research distinguishes between a fixed mindset, where intelligence and talent are seen as immutable traits, and a growth mindset, where abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. When children are praised for being "smart," they may become risk-averse, fearing that a mistake will reveal a lack of intelligence. Conversely, when praise centers on their effort ("You worked really hard on that problem," "I admire how you kept trying"), it fosters resilience, a love of learning, and the understanding that challenges are opportunities for growth. "Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades," Dr. Barish advises, emphasizing a pedagogical approach that cultivates perseverance and a deep engagement with the learning process.
Building Confidence Through Conversation and Collaborative Problem-Solving
Dr. Barish acknowledges that raising children inherently involves navigating difficult behaviors and emotional challenges. In his book, he outlines 21 principles meticulously designed to encourage cooperation, principles grounded in both rigorous scientific research and his extensive clinical experience over decades.
Central among his recommendations are involving children in collaborative problem-solving and providing them with opportunities to "reset" rather than resorting to punitive measures. Collaborative problem-solving empowers children by giving them a voice in finding solutions, fostering a sense of agency and responsibility. Instead of imposing rules, adults work with children to understand the underlying issues and devise mutually agreeable strategies. This approach not only resolves immediate conflicts but also teaches valuable life skills in negotiation, empathy, and self-regulation.
The concept of a "reset" offers a constructive alternative to traditional punishment. Instead of shaming or isolating a child for misbehavior, a reset focuses on understanding the trigger, repairing any harm done, and developing a plan for future success. This might involve a calm discussion, a moment of quiet reflection, or an opportunity to make amends. This approach, Dr. Barish argues, is far more effective in promoting long-term behavioral change and fostering a secure, trusting relationship than punitive tactics, which often breed resentment and diminish intrinsic motivation.
Ultimately, Dr. Barish’s overarching argument is that helping children truly thrive depends less on the rigid instruction of specific skills and more on the profound cultivation of emotional strength, an inner sense of confidence, and the establishment of deeply meaningful relationships.
He concludes with a powerful synthesis of his philosophy: "Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride. Our children will then work harder, bounce back more quickly, show more caring and kindness toward others, and pursue interests with greater enthusiasm, commitment, and sense of purpose." This vision offers a roadmap for families, educators, and society at large to re-prioritize the fundamental human needs of connection, empathy, and purpose, thereby addressing the profound mental health challenges facing the younger generation today.
